Why am I here? What are my policies? Why should you vote for me?
These are all good questions.

Full statement

They are left as an exercise for the reader.

Let's think about you, the voter reading this. You're the sort of person who looks at these election nerd websites in an attempt to find out more about the people you're going to be voting for. You know I'm standing as a Monster Raving Loony; you can probably figure the rest out.

My main campaign promises:

1. Build a great big glorious iron curtain between West Surrey and East Surrey, to protect us from the inferior East (Wesside is de best!)
2. West Surrey will immediately launch a surprise pre-emptive strike against East Surrey. West Surrey must take the first napkin, and assert geopolitical dominance.
3. Rename "Staines-upon-Thames" back to "Staines".
4. More funding for our libraries. They do a good job.
5. Tackle the council's debt by gambling it all away at Admiral Casino on the high street.
6. Ensure that any lingering debts from Spelthorne Council are safely offloaded onto the West Surrey budget, and then enact a surprise referendum on Middlesexit. We will re-establish Middlesex!
7. Rename "Staines" back to "Staines-upon-Thames".
8. Promote more car usage (24/7 free parking everywhere, unpedestrianize Staines High Street, more roads fewer pavements etc) in order to promote the creation of potholes (we do not have enough, we need to increase the rate at which we erode the roads).
9. Save taxpayer money on expensive proprietary software licenses by migrating the council's administrative backend computer systems to TempleOS.
10. Rename "Staines-upon-Thames" back to "Pontibus".

There will be more common-sense uncontroversial policies as well. You have been warned.

So, what are you waiting for? Go and register to vote (and pester everyone you know to register to vote) otherwise I'll be the only person who shows up to vote and I'll end up voting for myself and then you'll have to deal with me for the next five years which would be funny i think but also awkward for everyone.

(honestly now that I think about it, this may not necessarily be the best avenue for the application of malarkey... oh well!)